Uni-Man

IT IS 7:30 IN THE EVENING. After finishing up work at Uni-Corp, Uni-Man leaves the Uni-Corp building, which he himself conceived, designed and built. He had a little help from others, but it was mostly the result of his brilliant ingenuity, dedication and hard work that got it built. Uni-Man is the owner, president , CEO, COO, CFO and lead designer of Uni-Corp. Let's face it, he does the work of 100 people every day while the sun and moon rise and set around him. Still, he is a true gentleman and a really sweet guy, and is well-liked by everyone, especially his employees.

In the elevator, he runs into a group of his employees, including me, Depingo, who ask him to join them for dinner and drinks at 223, the hardest ticket in town. Magnanimously, he agrees to come with us. This is our lucky night. We all jump into his raspberry colored '58 Caddy and off we go.

When we arrive at Uni-Bar in 223, even though the place is jam packed, the maitre d' gives us the best table in the house. The waiters, manager and chef fall all over Mr. Uni and seat him and us prominently in a spot where Uni can be seen by everyone in the restaurant and also be shown off to passers-by in the street. Everyone is sneaking peeks at Uni because he is so handsome. (Don't tell anyone, but I saw the maitre d' politely but firmly tell a large group of diners that they had to leave to make room for Uni-Man and his party.) Very undemocratic, but what can I say? They love Uni-Man at 223 and are delighted and exceptionally proud when Uni graces the establishment with his presence. I like to watch him light up the place with his charismatic 150-watt smile. The trio that plays there likes to watch him dance. They are mesmerized by his rhythm, style and cool moves.

Uni's tablemates and all the diners at nearby tables are laughing hysterically at his witty, insightful bon mots. His conversation is absolutely scintillating and all his companions are enchanted. Tonight he is regaling us with a charming story about how when he was a little boy he believed that he invented lemonade and only later found out that it already existed. As if he didn't invent it! Honestly, the man is so modest! We all adore Uni and are having a wonderful time. How could we not? Uni is the most charming, handsome, smart, amusing man in the entire world. In fact, he is the only man in the whole world, or woman for that matter.

You see, way back during the primordial slime, on the sixth day God created man. That's right, man,–Mr Uni-Man. He created Uni in His own image. On the seventh day, God said unto his favorite creation, "Uni, I just worked six days straight and I'm tired. Why don't you be the boss for a while." And knowing that in Uni he had created the perfect man, God decided not to bother making any more people. "I'm never going to do any better than Uni," he figured, "why mess with perfection?" So, on that seventh day, God actually did rest and that's why today Uni is the only person, period. He's solo... unique...alone... however you want to say it.

There is no "rest of us." We all just exist in Uni's mind. We are merely figments of his imagination. Oh, and don't count yourself and say that two people exist. I assure you, you do not exist. You, I and every one else, as well as the world, the solar system and the universe are only conjured up in Uni's mind for his own amusement and to keep him company.

There is a tricky little philosophical problem associated with being figments of Uni's mind. To wit, when he goes to sleep at night, we, every one of us, disappear. That's right, we cease to exist because he is not thinking about us. We are no longer us ... we're gone ... outta here ... we've really never been ... history! In addition to no "us," there is no world, no solar system, no universe - just Uni, upon whom God bestowed the power to conjure up all these things. God must have been feeling a little guilty about the slacking-off-not-making-more-people-thing, so He gave Uni that power. Otherwise, think how lonely Uni would be.

That said, back to the night in question when we all went to 223 ...

After admiring the way Uni ate, in a very Marie Antoinette-ish way, all the creamy part of the camembert, while the rest of us ate the rind, I am not ashamed that I acted as I did. (Uni-man eats only the creamy part. Well, why not? There is no one else on earth who he would rather have it.) Nor am I pleased with the outcome that night we all got together at 223.

This is how it happened. Flirting with me, Uni asked if I wanted to come up to his apartment to see his view. I jumped at the opportunity and most enthusiastically agreed. Now, readers, you might be saying to yourselves rather judgmentally, "But (that slut) Depingo is married, isn't she?" My reply is as follows. "Do you like living? Well, I do and I believe Mr. Depingo does too, so he didn't mind that I went home with Uni." He knew that I only had one thought on my mind: "I've... got...to...keep...this...guy...awake!" You should all be thanking me for trying to save your lives, not questioning my morals!

When we got to his apartment, I put on Stripes, full volume, because it was the loudest music I could find. Uni got comfortable on the sofa. Then I went into his kitchen to brew a quadruple-strength pot of espresso. That's when I noticed the lights started dimming and then flickering. I panicked and rushed back into the living room to see what was going on. It was even darker there and I could no longer see. I did hear the sound of perfect snoring, though. It was the last sound I ever heard. Uni-Man had gone to sle.......................

The end. Of everything.

Paint on anyway (after Uni-Man wakes up.)

Depingo

PS Uni-Man's picture and name have been changed to protect him from the millions of people, uh, that's figments, yet to be thought up by him when he awakens and who would ungratefully try to prevent him from falling asleep if they knew his name or what he looked like.